GENE HOGLAN Busted For Burrito-Smuggling

Legendary drummer Gene Hoglan (DARK ANGEL, DEATH, STRAPPING YOUNG LAD, TESTAMENT) has issued the following update:

"Well, hello everyone, GUESS WHAT? MY SHIRTS ARE FINALLY ON SALE! YAY!

"And Jeez, that was like pulling teeth! What was supposed to be a quick, simple little endeavor took over 8 months from concept to completion. Ho-LEE! All for some stupid SHIRTS!

"But, as you can see the designs, they're bad as fuck, and this initial run of T-shirts and work shirts will range all the way from size medium to 4XL (the 5XLs will be on the next order, ya BALLOONS!),and the girlie-T 'boybeaters' will run from medium to large. Plus, we've got the system down pretty good around here, so your order will get shipped out same day, next day at the latest. And, for those females who would be interested, I'm going to be running a 'Hoglan Hottie of the Month' section over on my website, and how that's gonna work is this; when you buy a shirt and it is delivered to you, take (or have taken) a few shots of yourself modeling it in as sexy a way as you see fit, send 'em in, and you will then be well on your way to that 'T-shirt modeling career' you've always wanted. It's gonna be awesome!

"To order one (or TEN!),just go back to my page, and punch up any of the 3 design pics, and it'll take you directly to my shop!

"Now, I gotta admit, we're still working out the bugs on the 'Shop' end (sorry Europe, for not being able to order shirts! I think we have that bug ironed out now),and that's the main reason I've been waiting to pull the trigger on this whole thing. But, since I just got impatient, and against my advisors here at GHI, I decided to damn the torpedoes and make my little announcement anyway.

"To go along with all of this, my website, HoglanIndustries.com is now also up and running, so stop by and check it out! That is DEFINITELY a work-in-progress, so, cut me some slack on that one. I also have a brand new GeneHoglanMusic page up on Myspace. You can find it here: myspace.com/genehoglanmusic. It'll soon be featuring tons of music from me you don't ordinarily hear too much. Except, right now it's got a buncha stuff you might have heard already, but I'll get one of my lab-coats here at GHI to fix that.

"Now, on to my DVD, 'The Atomic Clock'. I realize that I've been keeping relatively quiet about it of late, but I do want to say that we've completed the filming and editing of it, and it has come out great! I'm really excited! Now, for the last couple weeks while I was in Australia, New Zealand and Alaska with UNEARTH, the minions here at GHI have been finalizing the cover art for it, and it will be going on sale the first couple weeks in September, just past my birthday! What better present can ya give to Gene than by giving yourself the prescence of Gene in your DVD player? I'm all for it! Again, closer to it's release date, I'll be writing a much more detailed account.

"Well, that's about it for that subject for now. Oh, and by the way, for the Aussie fans who will be attended the UNEARTH shows, thanks for buying shirts!

"Speaking of which, I had a real good time jammin' with the boys down there. Ken, a big ball of loud, Slo, my bro and best roomie ever, Mr Phipps, the man commands respect when he walks into a room, and Buz, quite possibly the most hilarious dude to ever be on tour. It was a blast, and I wish them all the best in the future. Yehyehyeh!

"On a quick aside, the tour got off to quite an auspicious start upon touch-down in New Zealand. I'm cruising through customs, when they throw up an X-ray machine upon exiting. Who DOES that? Anyway, they X-ray my stuff, see my contraband, and freak. Alarms, sirens, dogs, screaming guards, high-powered rifles all pointed at my head, the whole shebang. All for the BURRITO I was 'smuggling' from LAX. I'd bought it, taken a bite, and shoved it down to the bottom of my bag, and promptly forgot about it. Oh yeah, I'm kiddin' about the dogs and guards and the whole freak-out part, but it woulda made a way better story if it did happen. Anyway, they take me into the corner and start hittin' me with, 'This is food, you filled out the card that says you're not bringing in food, yet this is food.' And the customs goof has apparently never seen a burrito before, 'cause he's lookin' at it like it's a Martian relic or something. Then he writes it up as a 'meat sandwich,' and I'm like, 'Hey! That's not a 'meat sandwich', it's a burrito!'' And he's like, 'A baa…what? How do you spell that?' And I tell him, 'Hey, it ain't my job to teach you how to spell 'burrito', Customs Goof.' Anyway, I do not get off lightly. They charge me TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS right then and there. Jeez! I told 'em, 'I can get rid o' this evidence right here and now, Customs Goof,' but they wanted my dough, not my satisfied belly. Bogus…so, that was the Most Expensive. Burrito. Ever. Damn, I shoulda keistered it…

"Burrito-smuggling. Sounds pervy."