OZZY OSBOURNE: 'A Hand Job Is A Very Personal Thing'

April 19, 2011

Legendary heavy metal singer Ozzy Osbourne last year landed a gig as a health columnist for England's The Sunday Times and influential U.S. magazine Rolling Stone.

In response to a Rolling Stone reader by the name of Hugh from New Mexico who asked if he should go to one of those "rub 'n' tug" massage parlors given that his girlfriend will never know, Ozzy replied, "A hand job is a very personal thing, and after a lifetime of practice, most blokes get a pretty specific preference for the kind of technique they like. So unless you're acting as a co-pilot and barking out instructions to your dodgy masseuse every two seconds, it might end up feeling more like she's skinning a dead rabbit than driving you wild with forbidden pleasure. In fact, it sounds to me like you've already built this up in your head to the point where it's gonna be an expensive disappointment. You also ain't factored in guilt. It's all very well you telling Dr. Ozzy that 'it doesn't seem wrong' to hire an extra pair of hands to help out in the monkey-spanking department, but I'm afraid to say that if you're anything like me, your conscience won't agree."

Ozzy Osbourne will publish a new book called "Ask Dr. Ozzy" later this year. The book will be co-written with Chris Ayres, who collaborated with Ozzy on his memoir "I Am Ozzy", and is a spin-off of the singer's ongoing column in Sunday Times in which he offers medical advice.

According to the publisher, the book will "tell incredible survival stories not found in his memoir, offer advice that no human should follow, and shed light on his seemingly superhuman ability to keep breathing." An October 2011 release is expected.

Ozzy last year said that his column in the Times is not meant to be taken seriously. "It's not a serious thing," he said. "I mean, I'm the last person to ask advice about health. It's just, it's not fit to be taken seriously. I mean — and I'm not doing it, I'm not writing the column personally, I've got a guy coming around, the guy who did my book, Chris Ayres, is doing the column. He brings me the column things and I just joke about it, you know. 'Cause if you believe me, you'll end up in the lunatic asylum."

Photo below courtesy of The Sunday Times

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